Saboteurs: Do you know what’s in the way of your success?

In this article I’ll briefly lay out the foundations of self-sabotage, why it happens and where it comes from.

All of us humans have an unlimited potential to create the life of our dreams. However, in most cases, we know what we want, but as life goes by it starts getting in the way of us creating the various things we desire. This isn’t anything new, though. We know for a fact that we aren’t always able to accomplish what we set out to accomplish, things don’t always go our way and we end up frustrated and focused on what we don’t have and the dreams we haven’t brought into reality. Why is that? Because we sabotage our own experience of life. The same way we’re responsible to create our extraordinary life, we are also responsible for screwing it up.

Well, it’s been known for quite a long time that our mind is divided into two main compartments: the conscious mind and the unconscious mind. The conscious mind is responsible for our creativity, analytical thinking, keeping us out of trouble, etc. On the other hand, our unconscious mind is responsible for activities such as digestion, metabolism, respiratory functions, recreation, regeneration and restoration of our cells. The unconscious mind learns what we need and then it goes about doing it over and over again without us having to think about it. Thus, we can conclude that the unconscious mind runs on auto-pilot. After all, we don’t need to concentrate on breathing, digesting our food or the growth of our hair and nails. Most importantly, 90-95% of our activities are performed by the unconscious mind.

Now we get to wonder how does the unconscious mind learn what to do, how to do and when to do? In the first 7 years of our lives we download behaviours and habits from our external environment. Basically, for about seven years we mimic our parents, family and community behaviours and the result of each behaviour we mimic are emotional memory. If the behaviour produces a positive outcome/emotion we associate such behaviour with reward, something we need to do to feel good. On the other hand, if such behaviour produces a negative outcome/emotion we associate such behaviour with pain and suffering. Interestingly enough, when growing up we are adventurers, we stick our finger into the power outlet, we put whatever is in our hands into our mouths, we place our hands on a hotplate and so on. When we do these things, we not only experience bad physical sensations, but our parents tell us we can’t do those things because it’s dangerous, it’ll hurt us in some way. Therefore, we can now understand that the majority of information we download to our unconscious mind are traumatic (our parent’s freaking out because we burned our fingers or ate shit) and disempowering (we say we want to be an astronaut and our parents say that it’s too difficult or we ride a broom believing it’s a horse and they say that’s not a horse it’s a broom).

Around the age of 7, we start activating our conscious mind, our analytical mind. So we go to school, start learning how to read, draw, play an instrument etc, and all those behaviours we’d acquired up until that point are now running on auto-pilot. We don’t have to think or exert will power to walk, we feel thirsty and our unconscious mind automatically leads us to the fridge to get some water. Now when we tell our parents that we want to paint, write or play the piano, they tell us to focus on physics, mathematics and biology to become lawyers, engineers, doctors and architects because the use of our creativity won’t pay us as well. These feedbacks we get reinforces our disempowering beliefs that are already engrained in our unconscious minds. That’s when the saboteurs come about and most of us drag them along our entire lives.

THE TOP 10 SABOTEURS ARE: Stickler, Pleaser, Hyper-Vigilant, Restless, Controller, Avoider, Hyper-Achiever, Victim, Hyper-Rational and Judge.

An important aspect to notice is that our nature is collaborative not competitive, so bear in mind that our saboteurs have good intentions. They are coping mechanism developed in infancy and childhood to help us overcome threats to our body and emotions. Although adults no longer need these coping mechanisms as we’re supposed to be strong and capable of taking proper care of ourselves by now, these saboteurs are dwellers of our unconscious mind. Thus, we end up becoming predictable organisms that can only react to certain external triggers, hence we feel, think and act using the same coping mechanisms as we did when we’re 5. This is the very definition of living in the past and creating a predictable and limited future. Though these coping mechanisms helped us to improve our lives, any success predicated on saboteurs are based upon fear, blame, guilt, anxiety and other disempowering feelings, therefore require a far greater amount of energy to be achieved. Science shows, however, that we can reprogram our unconscious mind to further enhance our success through creating positive and empowering daily habits such as gratitude, compassion, creativity, adventure and contribution beyond ourselves. The major difference is that by conquering our saboteurs and reprogramming our unconscious mind to run off of positive and empowering beliefs causes far less distress to our emotional and physical beings, therefore freeing up a great deal of energy to create something extraordinary.

Judge: The judge is universal. Everyone has it to some extent. The judge beats us up when we make mistakes or take a shortcoming. It’s the voice inside our head that brings up what may go wrong in the future, is the racing mind that wakes us up in the middle of the night and doesn’t let us fall back asleep. It’s always on the look out for what’s wrong with others and ourselves. The judge is the strongest of all saboteurs because it doesn’t only manifests itself, but it teams up with other saboteurs and takes control over our actions, feelings and thoughts.

Stickler: This is the saboteur which seeks perfection at all times. Everything needs to be in order, organised and decisions are only able to be made when/if everything is perfect alignment with its beliefs. Some of its characteristics are punctuality, methodical, critical, sarcastic, everything needs to be done ‘this’ way and any change results in stress. It has clear boundaries between right and wrong and it knows exactly what’s right and what isn’t. The stickler has extremely high standards, so when people, including ourself, fails to meet such standards it gets furious and feels urged to be more organised and methodical in order to avoid such mistakes in the future. Needless to say that it lives under constant frustration and disappointment. The stickler is born out of either finding order in the midst of a chaotic environment or gaining attention from emotionally distant parents by being perfect, beyond any reproach.

Pleaser: This is the saboteur which seeks acceptance, connection and affection. All it does is come up with new ways to help, please, rescue and compliment others. If all its focus is towards pleasing others, the consequences of it are that it often neglects its own needs and wants which leads to resentment. The pleaser has a strong urge to be loved, therefore it acts predominantly selflessly in order to gain the love it ultimately craves. However, it has a hard time when those around don’t reassure such acceptance, connection and affection and it can generate a sense of being taken for granted or taken advantage of. The Pleaser naturally creates an environment where others may develop some level of codependence and they may feel forced or manipulated. The Pleaser is born out of two assumptions developed in childhood. First is that ‘others’ needs are more important than my own’ and second ‘in order to get love and affection I must first give it’. It basically feels unworthy of love, hence it needs to earn it.

Hyper-Achiever: This is the saboteur which seeks high performance, great results to impress others. It expresses tendencies to depend on constant achievement in order to fell validated and gain self-respect. Hence, temptation to lead an unsustainable lifestyle is a real threat. It’s highly competitive and focused on external success and social/financial status. Therefore, it can find itself becoming a workaholic and may end up losing touch with inner feelings, emotions and spirituality. The Hyper-Achiever can easily change its personality to seem more impressive and successful, thus it can oversell itself. This saboteur has difficulties cultivating lasting and deep relationships as it believes feelings get in the way of performance, therefore opening up and being vulnerable aren’t its best suits. The Hyper-Achiever is born out of an image of conditional love. It either lacked validation from the parents and close family or acceptance and love were associated with having great results, being obedient and showing politeness, as opposed to experiencing unconditional love.

Victim: This is the saboteur which seeks attention and affection through emotional pain. Life happens to them, therefore it is a victim of its own existence. It has a hard time dealing with criticism or misunderstanding and so it usually gives up or disengages when situations require a certain emotional strength. It’s susceptible to suffer from depression, indifference and lack of energy due to the body and mind using all available resources to deal with unconscious anger and rage. It’s constantly thinking that the worst things always happen to me and has a strong attachment to its own miserable feelings. It believes that feelings such as loneliness, melancholy, abandonment and sadness will generate attention and love it craves. After all, who doesn’t have problems? So, if I have the worst of problems, people will be drawn to connect at a deeper level. However, it isn’t rare that it ends up having the reverse effect and pushing people away. The Victim is born out of experiencing not being seen and accepted because it believes something is wrong with me. It turns out to be an effective strategy to squeeze out a bit of love and affection from those who would ignore otherwise.

Hyper-Rational: This is the saboteur which seeks safety and security due to an emotionally charged childhood. This saboteur is characterised for being intense, analytical, skeptical and almost exclusively intelectual. It needs to understand everything intellectually and so most of the time it’s perceived as cold, distant and arrogant. Its way of expressing feelings is through being passionate about ideas and ideals, hence it hides its feelings off in privacy. It doesn’t interact very much with the chaotic and rapid world around, it’d rather back off and analyse the chaos from afar. Like the Hyper-Achiever, it thinks feelings are distracting and get in the way of accomplishing tasks and projects. It gets highly agitated and anxious about others being too emotional and intrusive, so it ends up wasting too much time, energy and personal resources to deal with these feelings. As previously mentioned, the Hyper-Rational is born out of an emotionally chaotic childhood and it therefore finds stability and order by rationalising situations as opposed to experiencing them. Praise and attention is also given to the Hyper-Rational kid as it stands out by being the smartest in the room.

Hyper-Vigilant: Like the Hyper-Rational, the Hyper-Vigilant also seeks safety and security out. However, it develops a continuous and intense anxiety about every single thing that could go wrong. It has extreme sensitivity to future danger, so it is suspicious of everything and everyone around. This saboteur tends to seek reassurance and guidance in processes, laws, institutions and figures of authority. It is terrified by making mistakes and have people upset because of their mistakes, hence it has trouble trusting its peers, spouses and other people. It believes that there are infinite dangers and uncertainties, thus it’s always on the look out for the next one to appear. After all, if it doesn’t look out for them, who will? The major issue this saboteur causes is that it wastes most of its vital energy dealing with stress and anxiety caused by an imaginary danger, therefore it has little to no energy left to create the extraordinary. If this saboteur isn’t controlled or conquered, people start to avoid us as the intensity of such vigilance sucks energy out of them too. This saboteur is born out of either unpredictable and unreliable parents to provide certainty or as a result of an unexpected painful event which proved life itself to be a major threat.

Restless: This is the saboteur which seeks excitement, adventures and action all the time. It’s constantly jumping from one activity to another as it gets easily distracted, therefore it tends to focus on what’s next. It wants to do everything at the same time, so it usually starts many different plans and activities but rarely sees them through. It believes that life is too short, therefore there’s no time for negative feelings. Furthermore, as it wants to live life to its fullest and dreads negative emotions, it’s constantly anxious about missing out on something more exciting than what’s happening right now. Thus, the Restless has trouble living the present moment, where everything is possible and there’s endless excitement and pleasure. This saboteur is born out of inappropriate parental nurturing or painful circumstances. Thus, it engages in indulgence as a self-nurturing mechanism as well as an escape from dealing with real feelings.

Controller: This is the saboteur which seeks safety, certainty and security. Its strong energy is expressed through competitive behaviour, challenges and conflicts as opposed to more spontaneous positive emotions. It believes that we’re either in control or out of it, others want us to take charge and when it does take charge of a situation, it also believes that it’s doing a favour to the group. It doesn’t grasp when others get intimidated by its natural confrontational energy and so it feels out of control. Thus, it tends to get anxious and impatient, due to others’s feelings being hurt. As it can’t control what others are feeling, this lack of control generates even more anxiety and impatience. The Controller gets some positive results, however at the cost of others feeling controlled and resentful rather than skilfully tapping into their strengths and wisdom. This saboteur is born out of either having a childhood where it experienced rejections, betrayal and pain or experienced the need to transition to an adulthood (being responsible) and take responsibility of the chaotic and dangerous environment.

Avoider: This is the saboteur which seeks comfort and stability. It focuses excessively on the positive side of things in order to avoid creating or entering conflicts. It says yes more often than it should which causes anxiety and resentment. It believes that avoiding difficult situations and problems will make them go away or take care of themselves. Resistance is shown by passive-aggression as opposed to merely saying no or disagreeing right to someone’s face. It’s terrified by the thought of hurting someone else’s feelings and perhaps losing the connection and balance of such relationship. It tends to procrastinate on important tasks if the tasks involve conflict, disagreement or an in-depth discussion of a topic that might generate disturbance of its peace of mind. It believes that no good can come out of conflicts, therefore it tends to give in and be too flexible. It considers itself the only one who’s capable of bringing peace to the environment and ends up denying conflicts and negativity rather than dealing with them wisely. This saboteur is born out of either a happy childhood where it didn’t learn resilience to deal with conflicts or tense and high conflict childhood where it learned to play the role of the peacemaker.

My top two saboteurs are the Avoider and the Hyper-Rational, therefore I tend to over analyse situations and avoid them because I foresaw many possible conflicts. In order to overcome the Hyper-Rational, I physically train myself to do what I know needs to be done without debating with my mind. The physical and mental challenge I have put myself through every single day for the past eighteen months is to have the coldest shower possible every morning. Don’t think about it, just open the shower right above me. The mechanism I developed to overcome the Avoider is practicing gratitude twice a day. Thus, I seek to learn the lessons of what the conflicts I am trying to avoid are teaching me. And when I learn something, I am grateful for the growth it provides me with. I basically use my Hyper-Rational to analyse the conflicts from a learning point-of-view rather than from a perspective of pain and suffering caused by engaging with it.

I hope this article was helpful and I would love to know what your saboteurs are. If you feel like some of these are getting in the way of you accomplishing something you truly want in your life, schedule a free discovery session right away so we can identify what they are, what triggers them and develop strategies to overcome these motherfuckers. Peace!